Marvel: 2012-04-01 - April's Beatings
It's been a long day. A spate of ice cream shoppe robberies by the WHITE RABBIT and the dreaded LEGION OF LOSERS (okay, not so much dreaded) has had much of the upper New York area in a 'wait, WHAT' stand off as shoppers stand in line to get sweet cream on a hot early spring day. The other end of town had the WALRUS blocking traffic after falling over his own two feet. The Fabulous Frog Man has been calling for backup as much as he can while being chased by giant pigeons. Steve had his communicator off and hadn't seen a Television or heard the radio today. So he was indeed one of the shoppers at the icecream shop. He steps out of line with his double dip cone of black walnut. Who eats Black Walnut ice cream you ask, they're all over 80years old. But hey Cap really falls into that group. He goes back to his table with his sketch book out and goes to eating his ice cream. The news is going on wtih a report of The Black Cock assembling a legion of zombie pigeons to lay seige to Central Park at the moment, if Mister Rogers were listening. As STeve works on his sketches, he hears the sound of the bell of the ice cream parlor jingling as another person comes in. And then the words that are perhaps a shock to his system, "ZEEZ EEZ A KICK-UP!" THere is BATROC THE LEAPER, holding a giant bag with a pair of dollar symbols on it, "GEEVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY! OR BE KEEKED!" Steve, who, was drawing a sketch of a certain Shield Agent as Emma Peel from the Avenger's tv show. Really it wasn't that much of a stretch looks up and his jaw drops. He's got more respect for Bartoc than appearently Bartoc has for himself. He sits there in shock anddoesn't know what to say for a moment. Batroc goes around and threatens the acme-faced teen who runs the cash register, who blinks a bit, and opens his mouth up and down. Batroc goes on, "Zut allors, ze state of zees seestem. I said geeve me zee money from zee regeester!" Steve sighs and shakes his head. Not sure where to go or what to do with and that's when he finds the janitor cubby over in the corner. He rushes to it and opens the door making sure everbody's not paying attention him and they're not. Then comes bursting as Captain America moment's later with toilet paper on his shoe. He'd accidently leaves his comlink on broad casting everything that he says to the Leaper. " Bartoc! I am sending you back to France." Batroc whirls around as Captain America rushes out, "Ahh, El Capitaon! I hoped yew weed come out tew face moi! Now zat I 'av lured ye, ve veel settle zeez!" Batroc has flipped around his (empty) bag designed for hauling money, and whirls to face the Captain, "And mai style of Savate Veel Keek Your Star Spangled Posterior as ze say! Zut Alors!" Then going to launch himself over towards the Captain with a flying kick! "And moi veel send yew back tew ze retirement home Mon Capitan!" Of course, the message gets forwarded to C.A.T. She's at home in her apartment when she gets the message and leaps up. It doesn't take her much time at all to dress, no more than Steve takes in that darn janitor's closet! She then gets out her old 'Spider-Girl' grappling hook and sighs. "Time to scream for ice cream." She then takes off out of a window and starts zip lining it through New York City and toward the ice cream parlor! Directions are coming to her from S.H.I.E.L.D. to make sure she gets there in one piece. Captain America raises his shield to block the kick from Batroc, "Who are you calling old? I'm still in my prime. It's you whose past your exporation date like some stinky cheese." He sniffs the air. "You even smell of it." Then he brings his shield around to knock Batroc in the jaw. Star Spangled Shield Met Mustachioed Jaw in a classic Kirby *CLOBBER*. Batroc went *BONG* as he wetn into a series of backflips to lessen the impact, "Mon Capitan, Dew Not Make Me tell yew of Zee Steenky Cheese!" As Agent C.A.T. rushed towards the melee, S.H.I.E.L.D. was having a semi-busy day as well, having deatl with Mecha-Kangaroo and his Tinkerer-Built Power Suit earlier and BIG WHEEL. Batroc went to rush over towards the Captain, going to go to a rushing series of body blows in close quarters combat! C.A.T. ends up stopping in front of the ice cream parlor and dropping down to the sidewalk. She sighs at the fight inside, and opens the door calling in. "Alright you two, Red Light! When I say green light, you will be good to start again! Everyone else, out of the icecream parlar please for your own saftey." She's grumpy, she doesn't like publicity as a thief, and it shows through her attitude. "Geez, and when I do give an O.K. to start again, throw more hip movement into it! It better be pretty to watch boys!" Captain America misses most of the punches dodging out of them with grace all but that last one. He stops rubbing his jaw. "Oh thanks for the help C.A.T." He stands there looking at Batroc waiting for the people to run out. "Seriously, I know you got the whole beat meto be the best thing. But this. This is seriously beneath you. You're Batroc the leaper. Is everything alright at home?" As the acne faced teen blinks and files out along with the rest of the crowd, Batroc pauses with his assault, "I deed not know zat zere wuud be a lady presant! And she 'eez zuch a beauteeful one!" He does pause in his attack to let the people run out, "NO, of course not el capitan, but zank yew for askeeng! My wife zays 'ello'." As the crowd files out, Batroc continues, "But Spreeng eez een zee air, zee time for louvres, and ze all scream for ice cream!" Yeah, being a super villain who does things for fun is AWESOME. C.A.T. twirls a finger about her blonde tresses, "Awww, all the fun ones are always taken," and pouts playfully. But she then rolls her eyes, and starts choking on some laughter, until she coughs. "Oh...gawd Cap...this one actually looks fun to fight with, ja?" This said with her typical German accent. "More interesting than say HYDRA. Cause seriously, those guys are losers and totally /boring/!" Captain America nods, "She is a sweet woman. You should stop doing these things and going to jail. I know it breaks her heart till she tries to break you out. " He looks at Batroc then to C.A.T., "Who do you think hires him?" Then he turns back to the Leaper, "I guessit's game on." He then goes to throw a series of kicks at Batroc that are in the Savant style. "I picked these up from last time." "Oh ya, Green Light!" C.A.T. looks a bit sheepish at that. Elsewhere, MODOK has fallen toa legion of squirrels up in Minnesota, while Hypno-Hustler and his backup dancers, the Sugar Mommas, have tripped over Stilt Man while running out of a mind controlled disco club and all ended up under wraps. And meanwhile Madcap has gotten distracted in a fun-house in Coney Island and is having a conversation with himself in the mirrors until the police lead him away after his defeat by Slapstick. Batroc blows C.A.T. a kiss, "Thank yew beauteefulul woman. Yew have made an excelelnt choize in ze Captain here." He goes to spin about then as the fight starts up again, blocking the attacksf rom Captain America with each thrust. "But ze theengs wee dew for love, Mon Dieu." Each blow parried and stopped, if not retaliated against. "I dew eet for ze fame, for ze majesty, for ze.." Cap hits him in the stomach, "ZUt Allors!" "Ooooh...ouch," and C.A.T. winces for Batroc. She knows Cap hits hard, she has fought Crossbones and seen how Cap owned him. She then remembers her cell phone! Why she brought it,s he isn't sure, not normal practice. But she pulls it out and starts video recording as she closes the ice cream parlor door to keep people outside. Captain America takes the oppertunity to keep on punching this time a pair of quick jabs to Batroc's face after the stomach shot. "Batroc, You're not going to win concentrating on the pretty German girl." He shakes his head, "And no that black eye you just gave me doesn't count." As C.A.T. focuses on priorities, one of the secondary news reports on her cell phone is of Gibbon and Grizzly teaming up with Princess Python in a failed attempt to reenact the Great Ape Escape from the Central Park Zoo stopped by Gorilla Man as she enjoys her nummy boy-fight. As Captain America sends him sprawling, Batroc leaps up, "Avaste'aye!" And goes to try and do a Savante scissor kick to try and scissor his legs about Captain America's kneeds to try and toss him down to the ground! C.A.T. snickers, actually having fun for once while on a S.H.I.E.L.D. mission. "Ja...I'm going to enjoy watching this before bed every night!" What a pervert too! Ah well, totally worth it! In either case, C.A.T. also studies Batroc's moves. Savante martial arts she thinks? Maybe. Captain America finds himself on the ground and his shield rolling, rolling, and rolling to land at C.A.T.'s feet. He looks at Batroc above him and throws a punch at the villain aiming for his jaw. Outside, on C.A.T.’s SHIELDBike another message goes through on Gamecock and Puma helping to stop an illegal cockfighting competition. And Vermin has been captured in the sewers by Terror after laying a trap for the ratted fiend. Once again, Cap *CLOBBERS* that mustachioed chin, that glorious, glorious mustachioed chin as a Kirby'esque *WHOOMPH* echos, and Batroc cries, "Zut Allors!" And tries to get the Captain over into a reverse nelson before he is Kabonked! C.A.T. puts her toe on the shield and presses down on it. It takes effort, but she has it flip up and catches it with her free hand as she still video records. She holds it while Captain America seems about to 'finish' his opponent. Captain America doubles up his fist and punches Bartoc in the jaw. As he slips out of the full neleson. "Noooo... You are not putting me in a bull dog nelson." He says to Batroc, "I don't care if love is in the air." And Batroc goes down. *BONK* Elsewhere, the sound of a guitar string breaking or a ukelele being used in hand to hand with an accordion explodes. The Leaper has taken his last jump. For now. And now dreams of beautiful Batrocs leaping over sheep leaping a fence. C.A.T. giggles and stops recording, "That was beautiful," she coos. "And no one hurt by accident, just a few chairs. So..I'm totally out of here by the way," and she winks at Captain America. She then opens the door and starts to run off, shooting her grappling hook topull herself up to a nearby roof top. When did she get one of those?! Captain America stands there realizing C.A.T. Took after his shield. He curses under his breath. Then he takes off running after her. "My SHield. Damn Klepto woman! Agent 13 wasn't this bad." Article: DB: 2012-04-01 - From the Funny Pages